Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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