i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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