I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
