the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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