Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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