Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
