Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
