Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Randomize
