I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
