They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
