last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
it glows. i had to have it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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