chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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