She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
