Someone shit on the floor
you would pick up someone in the library
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
