I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
