Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
operation harelip BJ is a go
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
They took my balls.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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