My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
