we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
