Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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