i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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