no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
