12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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