I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
