your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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