It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
