Swine flu. Run for my life!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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