How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
