I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
