im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
