her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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