The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
