who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
