Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
