Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
