Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Just cropdusted the office
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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