I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
