One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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