he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
