I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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