I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
