i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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