I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
