I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
