3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
