Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
