Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
