he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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