Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
