Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
