Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
