i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
