Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
