I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
