My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
