How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
