there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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