oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
