So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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