He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
