Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
